Loving Ways to Ease School Separation Anxiety

To my surprise, my seven-year-old clung to me all summer. These phases happen for all kids. But, for her and other kids feeling separation anxiety, back-to-school can be worrisome. So how can we ease the discomfort of starting school?

published 8/12, updated 7/24

Separation Anxiety Love Objects

Aren’t these silk hearts below beautiful? I’m giving one to JJ to carry with her at school. When she feels the soft, smooth silk, she can remember I love her and that she can do hard things — including school.

Want to make your own cloth hearts? Find directions on Curly Birds’ blog.

What else can you send?

Small stuffed animals, small toys, or small hankies. (You may want to read Lily’s Purple Plastic Purse to talk about when it is appropriate to show friends — and when it’s not.)

Lunch Box Love Notes

Tuck an encouraging note in your child’s lunch or pocket. Usually, by the time your child sees the note, he or won’t need it. Think of it as a way to help yourself feel better, so you don’t miss or worry about your child as much.

Need some ideas of what to write? Here are a few free lunch box printables.

iMom Lunch Box Notes Elementary

Made With Happy Lunch Box Notes

Tear-Off Lunchbox Notes

Back-to-School Inspirational Quotes

For those of you with non-readers, draw a picture with a smile, a sun, or a heart.

Loving “Incentives”

My oldest daughter, AJ, suffered from serious anxiety, which meant stomach aches and meltdowns. Her kindergarten teacher helped us by providing a reward every day if she would get ready for school without a tantrum. I loved Mrs. Rouse, she was such a great teacher! Gradually, she weaned AJ off the prize box and things got better –mostly.

I wrote more about AJ’s anxiety issues in another post since they were way beyond separation anxiety.

Here are some incentives to help motivate your kids — these are not intended to be used forever but just for a short time.

Reward Jar Coupons

Sticker Chart (we’ve done this often for different goals.
X# stickers and the child gets a pre-determined reward)

Marble Jar

Treasure Chest

If you’re wondering about the difference between rewards and bribes, I think Fairy Dust Teaching explains it well.

Loving Goodbye Ritual

Sometimes a special goodbye can set a child’s expectations for handling the separation.

Make up a secret family handshake or fist bump.

Say a special family slogan. (“Taylors rock! Have a great day.”)

More First Day Tips

I think you already know what teachers recommend for a successful separation, but I’ll quickly remind you just in case.

1. Kiss and go. Don’t linger — it makes it harder for everyone.
2. Talk about what will happen before it happens. (“I’m going to walk you to the line, we’ll do our goodbye, and I will leave for grocery shopping while you get to stay and have fun at school.“)
3. Be brave. I know it’s hard for us parents, too. Save your tears for the car or coffee with your friends so you don’t make things worse for your child.
4. Talk about it afterward. (“What happened after I left? Did you go inside and get to work? Did you do cartwheels with your teacher?“)

Are you worried about separation anxiety?

What do you think will work for your child?

Books About Facing Fears and Having Courage

Anxiety Connected to Sensory Processing Disorder

Parenting Strategies to Encourage a Growth Mindset

Fidget Toys for Anxiety

Movies Based on Books