The Best Friend and Worst Enemy Bully
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Very commonly, elementary aged girls are bullied by good friends. Surprised? I was, too.
Girl friends bullying girl friends is the premise of Little Girls Can Be Mean (affiliate link)
Initially, when she told me about her book, I felt shocked. Friends as bullies?
Then I thought about girls. And how they can be.
Are you with me so far?
Best Friend and Worst Enemy Bully
Except, it’s not what we’ve been teaching our children about bullies. We’ve been teaching kids that the bullies are mean kids. Not our friends. Never our friends.
“It’s very confusing for kids,” says Anthony, “their idea of bullying is very stereotypical, not the best friend / worst enemy.”
With boy’s it’s different, it’s physical. But, with girls it’s relational, explains Anthony.
Anthony says, “Girls in general are trying to find power in the relationships, that is why we find mean behavior – begin in elementary school, in general kids are mean because they’re trying to serve a purpose for themselves.”
This book began when Anthony’s daughter had a friend who turned against her. Together they began a journey of trying to deal with this friend (frenemy.)
Anthony realized that she couldn’t just tell her daughter to play with someone else. Not when her daughter craved a friendship, and wanted to be friends with the girl who was bullying her. So, Anthony and her co-author, Reyna Lindhert, figured out a way to help Anthony’s daughter see the situation for what it was, assert herself and problem solve. The book, Little Girls Can Be Mean
The Four Steps
- Observe. Watch your child as a social being in a new way and how she responds to conflict
- Connect with your child. “I notice that when your friend Katie leaves, you start fighting with your brother a lot. Are you sad that she’s leaving?” Help your daughter begin to notice things. You want to give empathy but NO problem solving. You’re setting yourself up as her partner. You’re becoming a team.
- Guide. When you really are connected, together brainstorm and list all the things you can do to deal with the bully. All your ideas are valuable – even sending the bully to the moon. Write up a whole list of possibilities. What this does makes it seem like there are many solutions. That it’s not an insolvable problem.
- Support the Act. Help your daughter choose one of two things herself that she’s going to do. Then role play what she’ll do. P.S. SHE chooses – NOT YOU says Anthony because your daughter is building inner strength inside herself. If the idea doesn’t work, go back to the list and choose another.
Anthony lives in the Denver area, does workshops all over the country, and writes a column for Parent and Child magazine.
This book changed everything for me – and I think it will for you, too. It’s the best resource for elementary-aged girl bullying. You can’t do anything about the other girl’s behavior, but you can empower your own child. I really, really appreciate this empowering approach, what about you?
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actually, all this can be prevented if mothers were more friendlier (and stop acting like snobby “pretty little liar” girls from high school) – being a SAHM, i see the same horrible cliques at this phase, as i did in my high school years. also, i noticed girls plan their pregnancy around their girl friends pregnancies just so their kids all become friends: it’s one cult to another, from each generation. it’s a disgusting ritual that must be stopped!
We need more children books on how to get along , tolerance for pre school .I don’t think its bulling . it’s more conflict resolution that has not been address .We have all kinds of book on how not to act like “No David” etc. .but very few on what makes a good friend .We all laugh at these silly misbehavior and don’t have any or very few books like “Yes David” I wish I could write children books .
very true, thanks.
I remember always pinching my best friend when I was in 1st grade. I knew it was wrong… in retrospect I think it was jealousy. Poor Patty… my closest friend always probably went home with bruises. Lucky for her, the phase ended, and we remained close friends through high school.
Um, really, I think it’s lucky for you that she tolerated you until you grew out of it, not lucky for her…
When I was in Elementarty school I was bullied a lot by my best friend. It was a click one day that she did not want to be friends anymore. I was outcasted by her and she eventually got all of my friends to hate me, too. I would sit alone at lunch, at recess, and didn’t really have any friends for my intermediate years. I cried every day when I got home from school. I wish there were resources around for my mom to help me through. She tried her hardest but I truly was hurt for life. Because of my experience I have placed a stereotype on many people. I am in highschool now and often judge people before meeting them. I have made up with my bully and we are friends now. I am so glad that there are books like this out there to educate people on the true bully stage, the elementary years.
I was chronically bullied by other girls from day one. A big part of the problem was my parents (who had rigid religious beliefs regarding clothing, skirts only-no pants except for skorts in gym class) making me a target by forcing me to appear “different”. As a result I don’t trust other women very easily. I can count the number of past female friends and current friends on one hand for each. I never learned how to play the games other girls play socially or even how to have a close meaningful friendship with another woman……I still struggle with it today. I had to learn social behavior milestones the hard way because I didn’t have friends to tell me any different. I wish there had been a book like this when I was growing up!! Not that I would have had the benefit of it, my parents certainly would never had bought it, but maybe a teacher would have been able to help me using this book. I plan to provide any future daughter of mine with the tools I never had, so that she will hopefully have a better foundation and not have to learn so much the hard way.
I’m so sorry! It sounds like a painful childhood. You’re going to be a great parent because of your consciousness and awareness. HUGS!