The Best Friend and Worst Enemy Bully
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Very commonly, elementary aged girls are bullied by good friends. Surprised? I was, too.
Girl friends bullying girl friends is the premise of Little Girls Can Be Mean (affiliate link)
Initially, when she told me about her book, I felt shocked. Friends as bullies?
Then I thought about girls. And how they can be.
Are you with me so far?
Best Friend and Worst Enemy Bully
Except, it’s not what we’ve been teaching our children about bullies. We’ve been teaching kids that the bullies are mean kids. Not our friends. Never our friends.
“It’s very confusing for kids,” says Anthony, “their idea of bullying is very stereotypical, not the best friend / worst enemy.”
With boy’s it’s different, it’s physical. But, with girls it’s relational, explains Anthony.
Anthony says, “Girls in general are trying to find power in the relationships, that is why we find mean behavior – begin in elementary school, in general kids are mean because they’re trying to serve a purpose for themselves.”
This book began when Anthony’s daughter had a friend who turned against her. Together they began a journey of trying to deal with this friend (frenemy.)
Anthony realized that she couldn’t just tell her daughter to play with someone else. Not when her daughter craved a friendship, and wanted to be friends with the girl who was bullying her. So, Anthony and her co-author, Reyna Lindhert, figured out a way to help Anthony’s daughter see the situation for what it was, assert herself and problem solve. The book, Little Girls Can Be Mean
The Four Steps
- Observe. Watch your child as a social being in a new way and how she responds to conflict
- Connect with your child. “I notice that when your friend Katie leaves, you start fighting with your brother a lot. Are you sad that she’s leaving?” Help your daughter begin to notice things. You want to give empathy but NO problem solving. You’re setting yourself up as her partner. You’re becoming a team.
- Guide. When you really are connected, together brainstorm and list all the things you can do to deal with the bully. All your ideas are valuable – even sending the bully to the moon. Write up a whole list of possibilities. What this does makes it seem like there are many solutions. That it’s not an insolvable problem.
- Support the Act. Help your daughter choose one of two things herself that she’s going to do. Then role play what she’ll do. P.S. SHE chooses – NOT YOU says Anthony because your daughter is building inner strength inside herself. If the idea doesn’t work, go back to the list and choose another.
Anthony lives in the Denver area, does workshops all over the country, and writes a column for Parent and Child magazine.
This book changed everything for me – and I think it will for you, too. It’s the best resource for elementary-aged girl bullying. You can’t do anything about the other girl’s behavior, but you can empower your own child. I really, really appreciate this empowering approach, what about you?
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This is excellent. Thank you so much for posting it.
Such a great resource!!!! Thank you so much for posting this.
Can this book be read to age 11? Or parts of it to be discussed? My daughter is not bullied, but left alone because she is different.
I really think it would be helpful because it shows kids how to make choices for what they can control.
Great subject! Is this suitable for older, say 4-6th grade children?
yes, very much so!
yes!
This sounds like a great book for most any age. As a child grow and has different experiences it will have a different meaning or connection to the child. I would think even a pre -teen could draw inference and apply the information herself. Great way to empower her.
I’m dealing with this with my almost-8-year-old son right now. His “best friend” is a bully, plain and simple. My advice of course has been to tell him to play with other friends, but I never realized that was the wrong advice. This friend is mean, makes up mean names for my son (his name is Tyler and the friend calls him Cryler or Ty-Dumb). While my son recognizes his mean behavior, he craves his friendship. I talk with my son about bullying ALL the time (I refuse to ever have my kid be the bully) but it breaks my heart to see him on the receiving end of it. Any thoughts?
Oh, I’m sorry! This book would be helpful to you even though you have a boy. It really shows us how to facilitate our kids figuring it out for themselves. I highly recommend it. HUGS!!
We coached our son, and taught him to crave healthy friendships and defined that for him. We did some role-playing with him as well. That helped in the short term, but the only thing that actually ended the behavior was to go to the boy’s parents. They didn’t believe us, but we made it clear that we had tried to work through the situation for two years (our son’s K and 1st) with no resolution. We told them we just simply weren’t willing to bear the responsibility for the solution any longer, and said that our boys would have to take a break. We left the door open for a future friendship, but we were firm that our son would be left alone and free to play with other kids without control or pressure. When the boy began to try to manipulate and control our son again, we called the parents and continued to do this each time. Each time their son pestered our son, we pestered them….that did the trick. Our son is re-learning how to have healthy friendships. This book looks like it’s perfectly applicable to our situation with boys as well. Good advice. Good luck!
you might talk about how you and he would define a friend . . . Maybe it will help if you look at the opposite angle.