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Do you know the difference between shyness and introversion? I’m in a self-help group (of 1) of parents who don’t always understand really, really, really introverted kids. Maybe you’ll join me. Or maybe you’re that introvert who wants to be understood, like my daughter.
My very personal story of parenting my daughter and learning to understand her unique gifts as an introvert is posted today on Babble. I hope you’ll take a minute to read and leave a comment.
So, the big questions — what is introversion? It’s all about your energy. I bet you know about extroversion already. Extroverts get their energy from . . . say it all together now . . . being around other people. So, introverts get their energy from . . . (any guesses?) . . . being alone.
It’s not shyness.
Shyness is a social anxiety.
It’s all about energy.
Introverts can be very social; they just need time to recharge their batteries away from others. Introversion is a temperament – not a behavior.
Think about the children in your life. Do you know any who are introverts? They might
- need more processing time
- like to watch before participating
- not make eye contact
- only have one or two friends
- find it difficult to share their feelings
- learn by observing
- be very smart, even gifted
If this sounds familiar, you will want to read The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child by Marti Olsen Laney, Psy.D.. It’s helped me understand my “innie” and her unique gifts. I reread it often.
As parents and teachers, I hope that we think about the needs of the introverts in our homes and classrooms — the world is designed by extroverts, for extroverts. We need to give equal consideration to our introverts, too.
Introverts in Picture Books
Cherry and Olive by Benjamin Lacombe
The Shy Little Kitten by Cathleen Schurr
The Story of Ferdinand by Munro Leaf
Which Would You Rather Be by William Steig
Shy Charles by Rosemary Wells
Introverts in Chapter Books
Franny K. Stein books by Jim Benton
Anne of Green Gables by Lucy Maud Montgomery
Evan’s Corner by Elizabeth Starr Hill
The View from Saturday by E.L. Konigsburg
Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson
A Wrinkle in Time by Madeline L’Engle
The 39 Clues by Rick Riordan
Chasing Redbird by Sharon Creech
Do you have an introverted child? When did you first realize?
Melissa Taylor is a mom and educator from Denver who is passionate about playful learning. Thanks for visiting the site!
14 Comments
I like the fact that there is a difference between being shy and being introverted. I think what is interesting is that my wife is quite shy whereas I am more introverted. I can be sociable but only if I am comfortable in being so. I do appear shy if I am alone with strangers, but if I know that it is beneficial to be sociable, then I will make an effort to be less shy.
Thank you for sharing,
Thanks, Christopher — I think you’re just fine being the way you are!\. Friends probably already know who you are — and those who don’t will hopefully give you a chance. One of my best friends is an introvert and I thought she hated me at first — turns out she just takes some getting to know.
I think introverts make the best of friends!
I’ve been called an introvert before and never really questioned it, but after reading your list I can say no I’m not. Not making eye contact is a big no no with me, my son in law does this and it drives me nuts. Makes me want to say stand up straight and look at me when you speak.
Guess I’m back to being a “lone wolf” so to speak.
It’s interesting how we learn to categorize so we know how to relate to others and the world around us. I’m probably like you Theresa, I’m not a categorical introvert or extrovert. I can and like to be social and mostly with small groups I can have a good chat with, but I definitely need my alone time. I need to be social to take me out of my little world, but I can be alone for a long time.
what a lovely way to work through the challenges of parenting a child who is different than yourself. my husband has struggled to understand our son, who is much more like me – a true introvert. i love being social, but have limits. i’ve worked a lifetime on being more outgoing, and have found great benefits. i also cherish the time i set aside for my “recharge” needs. we now have a daughter who is much more like my husband – more extroverted – and i am struggling with the same challenges my husband has met up with. i celebrate your parenting, and want to share that every child works through challenges growing up in a world not designed to meet their needs. your daughter is lucky to have you, working to understand and support her.
Thanks for noting the difference between shyness and introversion, though I suspect it may be possible to be subject to both.
I have the opposite parenting problem you do: I’m introverted, and my daughter is most definitely extroverted. To make matters more difficult, her father and older brother are also introverted. On the positive side, being extroverted means she’s not at all reluctant to tell us what she needs and express her frustration if she doesn’t get it.
Fortunately for all of us, my in-laws recently moved to be near us. My mother-in-law is also quite extroverted, so having her close by means she and my daughter get to spend more time together. Not surprisingly, Grandma has taken an active role, doing the kinds of things with my daughter that they both like to do. I’m certain my daughter appreciates having someone around who understands her from personal experience rather than by acquired knowledge, which is the best I can do.
Great post!
I love this article!! I am an introvert and you are absolutely right. It is about energy. I have been attacked by extroverts so many times for needing alone time. I have been called moody, stuck up, selfish, “funny”. My daughter is an extrovert. I have people giving me advice about what I need to do in order to meet her where she is at. The truth is that I get very tired with all the socializing and become irritable. I have no problem accepting her as an extrovert. I just never felt the need to engage in as much socialization. I love having fewer intimate friends. I facilitate workshops and speak publicly quite well. But I need my down time with a good book.
Wow, you all have such amazing stories and thoughts about this topic. I so appreciate each of your comments, thank you!!
Hi Melissa – I finally came across this book and have read the first 70 pages. WOW, it totally describes my oldest son. I always knew he was introverted, but never realized all that that meant. My huge struggles have been after school on the playground when his younger extroverted brother wants to play and he (very grumpily) grabs my arm and says, “mom, let’s go home! “. The book has helped me understand him and his needs so much and I’m trying my best to empathize with him (rather than be annoyed). Anyway, just wanted to let you know AJ wasn’t the only introvert in their Kindergarten class!!!
[...] She’s Not Shy, She’s Introverted [...]
[...] to me about helping my introverted daughter, AJ, who misses social cues with her friendships. (What is an introvert? It’s not shyness, it’s about energy.) The authors suggest setting up an activity-based play date to make it easier to interact, and [...]
Loved reading this, Melissa. I’m not sure what to call myself. Not that I want to find out a term. But, I understand that I need my along time more than perhaps most people around me want. I recharge my batteries that way and am happy to connect and reconnect after that. Also, I’m my true self in small groups. Though, the no eye contact trait is not me at all and those who don’t make eye contact, I find them un-nerving!
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Hmmm….I’ve spent most of my like thinking of myself as shy, and much of my daughters life thinking she’s shy. When reading this I had an aha moment. We’re not shy, we’re introverted! Very interesting! I also have an introverted husband and 2 extroverted children. It’s very challanging trying to meet my eldest childs need for socialization. Thanks for this post, I’m going to read up more about this!
As a life-long introvert with extrovert sons and partner, I can relate to this, but I am shy too, so the two can sometimes (though not always) go hand in hand. What I have found difficult to understand is the increasing shyness of my socially extrovert eldest son. To me, to be extrovert but also shy is just plain weird – almost a contradiction in terms.I suppose it demonstrates that shyness is something separate.
It’s true that the world just doesn’t understand introverts. I love being with my friends and family, but can be very anti-social sometimes in terms of avoiding company, and am often happiest doing things on my own, and in my own way. Lots of people think that weird. It can also mean that I am difficult to get to know!