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Do you ever wonder what a mom feels when her child is labeled? Maybe your child has been labeled. Or maybe you’ll know someone who could use your compassion and empathy. This is where I begin, sharing from my heart, what those words mean / meant to me.
I wrote this in an essay writing class last month. Our in-class prompt was to end with “what a joke.” I knew exactly what I wanted to write.
Because I am grieving.
First, came denial. (And a lot of weight gain and apathy.)
Many months and months later, just recently, came anger. Once I let myself feel, I was surprised at the anger. I expected to feel sadness, not anger.
Now, I’m more peaceful. I’m closer to acceptance of my new normal. But, when I wrote this, I had just started to deal with all the “stuff” that happened inside me when my kids were labeled. I wrote it to my old self. I wrote it to my demons.
It’s raw. I hope it won’t bother you too much. It was my truth in that moment.
. . .
Special needs. There I said it. My kid has special needs; well, both my kids do if you want to know the truth. Which I doubt you do.
Now you’ll try to shut me up and say, “Oh, I don’t know how you do it” or some other condescending remark to mean “thank God it’s not me” and look at me like you’re glad your karma got you two “normal” kids.
This label is like cement, pulling me into submersion with my nose barely sticking out of the liquid, gasping for air.
Special.
Hardly.
What a joke.
Melissa Taylor is a mom and educator from Denver who is passionate about playful learning. Thanks for visiting the site!
23 Comments
Cyber Hugs. I know they don’t make things different. Just wanted to give them. I work with a child who has special needs. He’s amazing. Smarter than most the kids in his class. Unfortunately for the SCHOOL he doesn’t fit their molds. Personally, I kinda like people who don’t act like cookie cutter people. I don’t know what I would do if I were in your shoes. I think I would feel exactly like you do. Angry.
Thanks for sharing this! I went through something similar three years ago when my oldest son was given that “special needs” label. At the time, it was so hard to admit my anger and disappointment that my child wasn’t going to be “normal.” I appreciate reading such a brave and honest reflection.
That was brave–putting your feelings out there. Not easy to do. Big risk. Thank you for doing it. It’s a good example to all of us to dare be vulnerable, to show up in the world as you really are. Denial and anger–two demons that are impossible to wrestle into submission. There is no comfort in some moments in life, is there? No way to fix–and isn’t that the mother’s role–fixing? How hard for you.
I am so proud of you for daring to speak from your heart. No one likes labels – I remember the first time hearing that my mom was a “Paranoid Schizophrenic”; I was 8. And the same idiot therapist telling me at age 13 that it was hereditary and I could pass it along to my kids! Seriously and he was the therapist in charge of my mother’s well being! What a joke! That felt good; so here is another one: I was 38 when I overheard my ultra thin OBGYN doctor refer to me as “obese, advanced maternal” which was a nice way of saying I was “fat and old”. I was 40 weeks pregnant and I looked like my belly was beyond ready to explode. Not only being short but also short-waisted so those extra 40 lbs had no where else to go than OUT! What a joke!
@Stacey, wow – what a joke, indeed! I’m sorry you had to go through those tough times.
Thanks, @Erin, @Quinn and @Rachel. I was scared to share this — now I’m glad I did. Hugs to all of you!
Its hard even just explaining your emotions when your children have special needs. I know for me they change from day to day and go through cycles of dealing and grieving over it. I am pregnant with my third right now. Both of my children have special needs and my step daughters also have medical issues. I have not come forward to anyone about my feelings of whether I wanted a boy or a girl this time. When I was first thinking about it all I could think about was all the girls have seizures, yet my son has autism…..so do I want a child with more medical issues, or a child with more develpmental issues. Isnt that terrible comparing which gender baby I hope for based on the special need he/she might have. It is definitely hard coming out with your feelings…like I said, this is the first I have even mentioned this to anyone besides myself.
Colleen, You are such a brave woman, thank you for sharing your heart. Who knew parenting could be this hard? I hope knowing that you are not alone will help those days when you’re feeling low. We are here for each other. Big hugs!
My/our story is long and diverse. Overall my craw was stuck with a system trying to help a child who was not “needy” enough for attention and services. Help came with lots of angst.
Gosh, I did not know, so sorry.
Thanks for sharing! It will help many others out there accept all the feelings they think are not normal. Expression is good! Every body has their uniqueness and should be accepted without feeling they are outside the norm and there is something wrong. We often all feel at points we are outside the norm.
So glad you shared. Big hug!
labels are not meant for human beings. please just love and hug your kids and don’t let others tell them or you who or what they can become. and be happy that they are still here with you!!! i have a friend who recently lost her son (suddenly and unexpectedly)and she has taught me so much through her courage and strength. she’s taught me about letting go of what society tries to put on all of us. each child is here for a purpose. who cares if society can’t see or recognise that purpose. you as their mom can! you can help them become all that they can be! you’ll get through the anger and find the strength to help them. that’s what mommies do. god bless you and just love your children while you have them here with you!!!!
Dee, Your kind heart shines through your words. Thank you.
Great post. I am so with you. Right now I don’t want to be ‘special’. You know I am here for you and I promise not to say “I don’t know how you do it”…cause actually I get how you do, you don’t have a freaking choice.
Melissa…sigh…your truth speaking allows me to take a deep breath after holding it for a good part of a year.
Wow, Hallie, I am sorry it’s been such a tough year. I’m breathing with you, my friend. One day at a time. Breathing.
Love you!
BRAVO! On my feet! Not for the suffering or the angst or the grief or desperation…but for the COURAGE to speak its truth!
It was so hard, Wendy! Thank you.
So glad you shared this — thank you for your courage, you inspire me! Was just talking about this with another parent yesterday, about these and similar challenges, and what we teach our children about labeling, and categorizing, and defining. I laughed when I read a prayer last night that went “Lord, save me from yet another ‘learning experience’.” Sometimes it’s just hard, and it’s important to acknowledge that. Sending many hugs.
dearest melissa
your words are powerful and poignant
i am moved to tears
and bow in deep honor
of your experience and of your expression
thank you for being true to who you are
for speaking your truth
what fortune your daughters have — to live in the heart of such a mother
who courageously chooses acceptance of raw truth over candycoating
such depth resounds in your voice such a profound impact your walk
much love and gratitude to you dear dear one
My experience tells me that both of these statements are true, even though they might contradict each other.
Label jars, not people.
The only valid purpose of labels is to open a door to SERVICES.
I hope that you have many opportunities to discuss thoughts and share feelings with other families, whenever and however YOU choose. You might consider an online support group, a face-to-face group, and books/articles/blogs written by parents. If you discard the trite and the false, you’ll find a lot of information, humor, and supportive folks out there! And there will also be times when you are the one who is sharing info, laughter, or support.
My heart aches at the destructive force labels have…for everyone involved. The child, the adult, the teacher… How does this label solve, create, empower, help? Pigeon holing puts children (or adults) in a dark place with a feeling being trapped. Why do we not look at each and every individual as “special needs” if we so choose?
Aren’t we all special, do we not all have needs? Yes! and each of us needs, wants, feels differently. We are all special and that should be a celebration, not a label, not a destructive place. I love the pieces that make up your daughters, my nieces, that which makes them unique, amazing, and courageous as they walk in a world that sometimes doesn’t quite “get” them. And you…my amazing sister have chosen to honor and respect their very uniqueness – even though that is hard sometimes. Never fear your anger, let it rage at the idiots (okay that’s my own label) that forget (or maybe never knew) the destructiveness of word and actions. And find peace knowing that there is a community of people who love you and love them. Period. No stipulations, reservations, qualifications.
I celebrate you. I celebrate them.
Melissa, Quinn nailed it: No way to fix–and isn’t that the mother’s role–fixing? And Dee when she talks about “letting go of what society tries to put on all of us.” And Barb: You don’t have a choice (freaking or otherwise!). Which is why you do inspire people, so don’t take offense when people are truly impressed and honestly don’t know (and probably don’t want to know) what you deal with and how you cope, day in and day out. What’s obvious from the reactions here: you’re surrounding yourself with people who care, and by sharing what you’re going through, you’re helping others help you. Smart and gutsy and yes, incredibly inspiring. Hugs, K.